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April 26, 2008
Seminary Struggle
Though I heard about it, I never thought much of it. A few people mentioned that seminary can be a time of spiritual warfare. Can I get an AMEN! Wow- I feel like I have to fight for truth like I have not fought before. In a weird way I'm thankful I'm not the only one in this boat- I spoke with a graduate recently who said the same thing and I know others who have also mentioned it. I've been though deep times of questioning and doubt about the whole thing- Is God real? Does he care? If so, why doesn't he do something about how broken the world is! And then I look at myself- I'm suppose to be the light of the world. the salt of the earth? I almost want to laugh, and then I want to cry!
One of the reasons I moved to STL was because of NCF. I have found that my doubts and questions about God are not shamed or responded to with shock. I am lovingly called to humble my heart and believe God's truth- over against what I may feel. But I'm called to do that by people who know their own tendencies toward unbelief and know they have to humble their heart again and again. Pastor Barry's sermon last Sunday was what my heart needed. (I don't think it is online yet but you can get it on that link). He spoke of when his heart begins to think he knows better than God about how to deal with the sufferings of this world. That is where my heart has been- prone to wander to arrogance and unbelief, to think- "Oh, if I were God I wouldn't have allowed that!"
I'm so thankful that Jesus came for those who struggle, for the sick, for those who find it hard to believe, who are fearful, and don't trust very easily. I'm also thankful he knows what it is like to be on this earth, to suffer, and he knows and understands the cries of our heart.
I found this on the blog: Nouwen Online Reading Group
My fears, dear Lord, of opening my eyes to the suffering world are deeply rooted in my own anxious heart. I am not sure that I, myself, am truly loved and safely held, and so I keep my distance from other people’s fear-filled lives. But again you say: “Do not be afraid to let me look at your wounded heart, to embrace you, to heal you, to comfort and console you . . . because I love you with a love that knows no bounds and poses no conditions.”. . . As your passion, death, and resurrection continue in history, give me the hope, the courage, and the confidence to let your heart unite my heart with the hearts of all your suffering people, and so become for us the divine source of new life.
Amen.
| By Miss Mark | 9:14 AM
Comments
thanks for sharing, tanya. this post encourages me in my struggle with doubt and fear. i was especially touched by the Nouwen quote...Jesus' love for us is so good.
Posted by: meg norris at April 26, 2008 10:31 AM
I've been there gal. It's a hard but good place to be, because God promises to lead us out if we seek Him. Henry Nouwen eh? He was one of authors Jacob introduced me to when I was struggling. Also Philip Yancey. I know the book "Disappointment With God" speaks to the issues of doubt and anger really well (That's the book I read when I was really hurting last year). I love you Tanya and I'll be praying for you.
Posted by: Heidi Vincent at April 26, 2008 1:56 PM